Surgery Anniversaries are for losers

{ October 4, 2010 @ 12:23 am } · { Adjusting, My Brain is My Enemy }
{ Tags: doctors, emotional issues, mucus, obesity, progress, support network, vomit }

On all those surgery forums and fat people support groups and whatever, they are all so rah-rah-rah I could vomit.  I know, I know.  What a mean bitch.  I’m just not a joiner okay.  Progress has been steady.  I’m at about 30kg lost in a year.  Which is bloody fantastic.  It doesn’t feel like much but it’s starting.  I can see it in my face and in my clothes.  I’m very tall and big build so 30kg isn’t as much as you’d think. It’s not dramatic, I’m still a fat girl, but I am shrinking…

I go to the docs every other month now, we’ve got the level of liquid correct so it’s just a quick chat really.  I average about 3kg lost each time.  Which isn’t much but it’s something.  I refuse to feel like I’m doing badly, because I’m not.  I’m losing weight. For the first time in my adult life.  There’s nothing bad about that.

For the first two weeks post-weigh-in, I feel great and strong.  Like a champion.  Then for the rest of the next 5 weeks I feel like a failure.  The fact that I’m actually losing weight disproves my self-doubt, but that doesn’t erase 37 years of habitual self-doubt.  I’m getting there though.  My husband and friends are freaking fantastic.  My best friend, god bless her, said to me the other day (I mentioned that I was feeling ok about my progress), “it’s not my place to comment on what someone else looks like good or bad which is why I don’t ever say anything. but you do look different. dramatically different. you aren’t a failure at all”.  I love that attitude, that other people’s bodies have nothing to do with me, that it belongs to them and them alone. She never looks at me with that look people get, where they are assessing you, watching you, judging you.  Never.  I love it.

I won’t suggest it’s easy.  Contrary to what the doctors and booklets say, the vomiting and clear mucus is pretty normal.  Not all the time, but certainly a couple of times a week.  It can be so unpredictable too.  The fact is, contrary to instructions, I don’t eat with a goddam teaspoon.  Whatever the doctor says, it’s retarded and I’m not a child.  I need to maintain some self respect and dignity.  Even if it means I don’t lose weight as quickly and that I do vomit from time to time, it’s not a sacrifice that’s worth it for me. But the real culprit is not drinking.  If I leave it for more than a few hours between meals and forget to have a big, long and sloooow drink around 5-10 minutes before eating… I WILL be visiting my friend the toilet bowl.  Getting better at remembering but not quite there yet!

So yes, it’s been a year and I’m doing ok.

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