My husband is my best friend. I know I can tell him anything and he may find it amusing but he’s never mean cos he thinks it’s charming when I’m dumb. It’s because I’m so smart. No, really! I’m good at stuff. Particularly words, and quick thinking, learning new concepts, analysing problems and finding solutions. I’m damn good at it. Sometimes though my practical, sensible brain is a bit wonky. He loves me with all my arrogant, impatient and daft flaws. He is the kindest, most understanding, patient guy you’ll ever meet. Guaranteed.
He has supported, advised and comforted me through this LONG process (and I mean back as far as my whinging and not doing anything years).
But sometimes, a girl needs her friends too. It’s hard to know who to tell. Not everyone will understand. And you don’t feel that level of trust and safety with everyone. Much as you might like sharing a bevy or two on Saturday night with them, that doesn’t mean you’re ready to share your deepest, ugliest scars about which you are most embarrassed.
So I told my two bestest bestest bestest friends in the world. Smalex and CJ. Smalex would know exactly how I felt and understand my hesitations and humiliation and craving hopelessness for a different self. And she did. She was on board without hesitation. As I knew she would be.
And CJ. Well, CJ is a vault. The most trustworthy human being on the planet. I didn’t know if she would get it though, cos, well she’s gorgeous. She’s slim but she’s got girl curves in just the right places so I was nervous that she couldn’t understand because it’s not an area of dire mortification for her (pish! who are these crazy normal freaks?). So frankly, I did it on the spur of the moment. I burst into tears and blurted everything. In the middle of a public place. It changed us forever. She got teary too and we, in that moment, connected so completely. She understood that it was terrifying and brave immediately. She understood why, without me having to explain. I can’t even begin to describe how earth-shatteringly amazing it is for someone to just get you.
I decided not to tell my family. Mostly because my mum has her own issues so her reaction might be hard to take. I love her dearly and she loves me. But this is an area which is sensitive and I just don’t think she could be supportive and helpful without first being patronising and judgemental and telling me what to do. And I can’t bear going through the hurtful judgement phase just now. I know that once she got past it, she’d be fabulous and supportive and thoughtful but the journey to get there is arduous and I’ve got enough on my plate. My Dad, well… god love him but he’s a man who is a bit superficial when it comes to beauty. I haven’t heard him tell me that I looked nice since I was young. And yeah he’d be happy but not for me, for himself. So this is not a topic for paternal conversation. My other sisters… well, maybe. Sooner or later. I just don’t want in being brought up and inadvertently mum finds out you know?
So Husband, SMalex and CJ. You have been amazing. I would have chickened out if it weren’t for the three of you. All of you. You’re are the best people anyone ever could know. I love you dearly. And I am so grateful for you, like you wouldn’t believe, mother fuckers!
(Apologies to anyone offended by such appalling language. But that’s me. When I get too sincere or too heartfelt, I gotta do somethin’ to break the mood and make my peeps laugh. Cause that’s what I do. And so it will always be.)
So to my 3 amigos, I leave you with a song… the best song ever.
